~i just don`t know~

It`s time to take my own advice a little .
To stop .
Cuz frankly this habitual monthly nighttime random crying tumult of emotions thing is getting F R E A K I N annoying ~~

Just something I was inspired to listen to and put on tonight . Or this morning . I haven`t slept yet . It`s on repeat right now .

† G o d † i s † G o d †
~ steven curtis chapman

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall
Oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I

Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable
For to Him and through Him and from Him are all things

So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

but not done yet

S T O P
It's time to take a step back . To take a deep breath
To give those swirling thoughts a break .
To pause if only for a second and think instead :
What good is worrying ?

- - -

W H A T I F . . . ?
Hate this question . Hate it , hate it , h a t e it
And yet it cannot be helped .
The speculations . The wild scenarios .
The chain of events that is SO sure to be set off once one little thing happens .
Or, rather :
The future that just looks like a scary, hazy blur
Whether it`s far off in the distance
Or right on your doorstep

- - -

T R U T H
Sometimes difficult to grasp . Hard to see . Hard to believe .
But it`s there & it`s absolute .
A big sister once told me this :
Stand firm against the devil and his lies, trickery, deceit
Remind yourself constantly of the truth you know in your mind
That it may reside in your heart, calm your spirit, reassure your soul
The truth isn`t way out there .
It`s actually closer than you think

- - -

L O V E
Isn`t easy .
Hard to believe, harder to describe
Hardest to understand .
Does not consist of feelings or warm pink fuzzies, or warm fuzzies of any other color .
Shouldn`t be taken lightly, has been given freely
A gift .
If there`s any truth I know, it is G O D `S love
And I can lean on that

- - -

Let the emotions settle, let the storms cease
Let the burdens be cast away .
We can wonder, we can feel

neglected jealous upset confused frustrated annoyed incompetent
cheated angry wishful
lost

It`s good for neither you nor me .
I`ve got your back ; let`s move on .
Let`s continue .
Let`s pray .

because i am done . . .

. . . using this title theme ! Harharhar , actually jk . I`m not really done til after this post is finished teehee =P . And as always , i should really be sleeping but yet again i must announce - the best [and that`s a very, very liberal use of the word there . . . guess i mean it in the unfiltered random thought-barfing way] rantings and ravings and other such -ings come to me whenever i need to sleep the most . As in the middle of the night [gee golly whiz NO WAI =OO] . And as in when i need the rest for class tomorrow and other such mind-stimulating activites i have planned for my busy schedule tomorrow ahahaha not . I only have two classes tomorrow . The first one starts at 1245 lOL . But i really should be catching up on some readings =T . and OMIGOSHLIES IN A RIDICUOUSLY BIG PUDDLE OF GOOEY CHOCOLATE do i need to get crackin on ORGO DDDD: ! ! ! ! ~! Mark my words it will be the death of me ! ! I mean seriously am i THAT dumb to be following all the stupid soOoOo-super-clear-i-can-practically-see-thru-them instructions from the lab handout AND the printout slides from the recitation class AND the "helpful hints" section from our butt-ugly blackboard site & STILL manage to muck up the whole procedure ? ? Was it too much to ask for some stupid recrystallized unknown compound - possibly salicylic acid or sorbic acid or p-nitroaniline or m-nitroaniline or napthalene or cholesterol or p-bromacetanilide - to show up on a stupid watch glass ? ? Well . Apparently it was >.<

Meh . That was from tuesday , too . I really don`t get why it`s still bothering me so much , tho =.= now , observe as i refrain from calling myself a fail because that is vaaary bad self-depreciation and I need to stop doing that =D while , instead , I call myself an anti-win ! cuz at least that has the word `win` in it ^.^ ~

Right before I sat down , lurked thru a few other blogs , and finally decided to type up a post , I was in the bathroom . There was a girl . She was in a stall when i got there , and she was there for the good 15-20 minutes while i was washing up . I saw her feet , and it startled me because it was so silent i didn`t think there was anyone else around . Weird thing is , i saw her hair , too . At first I didn`t want to bother her . But then I got this really bad feeling , yknow . My heart started pounding and i started thinking , what if something was really wrong . And yet I didn`t do anything , wondering if it was my crazy overactive imagination again , making a whole deal out of some quiet girl in the bathroom . Finally I stopped thinking so much and knocked a few times on her door . Called out , sayin hello ? hello ? And , are you okay ? Do you need any help ? And I kept knocking , my knuckles turning red . A minute or so later I heard a groan , and some moving , and eventually the girl stepped out . One sniff and I knew why she`d been there . And she managed a smile , and a `thanks`. I just smiled back and followed her out of the bathroom , watching carefully as she stumbled back to her room , swaying on her feet and knocking into the walls .

I don`t know why i just shared all that . I didn`t know the girl . But I was just . . . really scared . I`m relieved she wasn`t any worse off . She made it safely back to the room and so hopefully she`s fine and sleeping it off . Nevertheless I was really afraid for her . It kinda broke my heart . And I know this is like really really common , especially in college , and many of you have probably dealt with something like this already . I guess that`s what makes it even more upsetting .

I have a lot more to say about a whole slew of other stuff that may or may not connect in some odd way . But I`m finally tired enough to sleep now so goodnite ♥